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2025/05/30 Friday

Testosterone! Carrie & Lowell 10th Anniversary Edition! Afterlife!

being the worst thing: an ugly woman

porno trope (overstimulation)

like a bugfilled star

yelling in my dreams
no narrative structure

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2025/05/29 Thursday

talking in my dreams & people surround

naming feelings observing them like shapes

being electrocuted by thoughts

bus of people happy & talking

strewn branches

a person with "a lesser ontological weight"

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2025/05/28 Wednesday

mountain dream

beautiful perfect morning in rain

blessed skippy

“You are defective. You are in the wrong place. You have become the wrong thing.”

[You’re becoming the wrong thing.]

forgetting like driving a car

lightning moving tree from window then in window then out then fogged glass

being watched
crawling under a blanket to clothes like a naked embarrassed ashamed bug

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2025/05/27 Tuesday

everything feels like it's talking to me:
meanings everything !

rorschach test bugs pattern blocks

beautiful little sky amoebas like washed glass

one kid turns seven another is put into a groundbox

my head is full of straw

opposite of a brain eating amoeba

I should get a boyfriend

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2025/05/26 Monday

dream about kissing _, tongue in mouth, trying to enjoy it & choking
(i remembered she had the same name as my mom & I always liked her less for it)

bug on hand that I could not tell was real or not real

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2025/05/25 Sunday

walking in the dark in a circle holding a birthday cake. frosting on my hands

I don't feel like a person.

somehow, I can still manage to read. Things I'm excited to read:
Kafka on the Shore
The Flowers of Buffoonery
Weasels in the Attic
The Story of a Soul
Rabbit, Run

how was your baptism ?

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2025/05/24 Saturday

rosary around my legs again

a bad dream about _ (rubbing me)
bad heart

my period started

there is a bloodstain on this from my period: it's not yours; it's mine (arguing over my towel)

email that made me cry

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2025/05/23 Friday

rosary large like a snake around my legs

2222 (Ivy)

hard to recall like dreams

body parts layered on top of each other in a pile but not a body
an arm, a leg, a torso, but not together

my body feels like it's in a lot of pieces & that i am not inside of it

i will limpthrough the fake & through the real as best I can

a stop sign was staring at me

bugscared

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2025/05/22 Thursday

broken prayer bracelet & crying

my bus hit a pigeon

"gray and softly wet"
kids grabbing dead fish
mocking

grim same time consonance

tic every walk back
my scaffolding gone; they removed it

meat clouds
At home I went on a walk & the sky above looked strange, like flesh, like I had been swallowed up by something bad.

another dead bird filled with flies
dead feather day
black letter day

lighting skrile

pena- pain, feathers, shame

there are roaches living in our bread box

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2025/05/21 Wednesday

Writing about clothes on my birthday last year, I said: Most of the clothes are navy blue. That’s a color that I’ve been wearing a lot this year. I told Ivy that we can call this time in my life “[Michael’s] blue period.” I had to laugh. I don’t change, do I? When I told Ivy, she called this “One Big Blue Year”.

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2025/05/20 Tuesday

bad dreams all night; I think it was rape, a woman throwing things at me, & being hit

out of Coke vending machine

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2025/05/19 Monday

hearing drums at recess
bugs
raining inside the bus

it sounds like you're either a poet or a butcher
distal
my face looks like a weird stone

I saw a picture of my dad & thought I miss my dad. he's alive. he's in the other room.

bird opening its mouth to my shadow

sister is home which means: sister banging on my door asking for a Hostess Cupcake while I have a fucking dildo inside of me

we have a worsening roach infestation, but it's definitely real and not hallucinatory (sister sees it too)

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2025/05/18 Sunday

lone crow
telephone wires
everything moving in wind
long grass

tiger butterfly that I recognized from Animal Crossing (eastern tiger swallowtail)

can you recommend a book for an idiot who has no free time or attention span? — are you giving my books to somebody? — no, I meant myself.
She gave me The Flowers of Buffonery by Dazai, but I wanted The Setting Sun.

lonely

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2025/05/17 Saturday

ran over a curb & almost hit another car (separate parking lots)

I feel self-contained like a shaken soda bottle

light on a clingwrap river

taking off my headphones and hearing the trainloudness

i feel sadness heavy & physical

I am wasting my life

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2025/05/16 Friday

bad dreams
bleeding in the closet
crying in sand dunes
forgetting names; being forgotten
wrong bus

cricket (?) in my coffee
real or not real ants

hot plastic dollhouse
less & less people, just birds

poison
empty restuarant
soggy food
my dad will die one day

lightning storm

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2025/05/15 Thursday

bad dreams

embalming

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2025/05/14 Wednesday

overwhelming grey

my birthday is next week. I didn't know until someone mentioned it

fogged bus doors
train bridge through fogged glass

saw an almost car crash then almost got hit by a car again. slammed breaks

man staring at me from the seat next to me

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2025/05/13 Tuesday

no more fluorescent light displays; I want to see things in the light

man on the bus is staring at me, but he's not looking at me

pigeon time again

cross the sea & blessing

word today was "real"

trust in God shirt
psalm 31:5

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2025/05/12 Monday

filled the pothole
empty buses

God got me. My peace. My joy

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2025/05/11 Sunday

plane dream

7:30 pm commute crying dream

rolling grass hills & deer, swaying grass

coming home to _

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2025/05/10 Saturday

church dream (catholic baptism)
transgender dream
spelling practice

i woke up at 7:45 but kept falling back asleep until 9:15 because I didn't want to be awake

accidentally prayed "love Jesus Christ" instead of "Lord Jesus Christ"

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2025/05/08 Thursday

train on bridge
missed stop
bad smelling shirt

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2025/05/07 Wednesday

in proximity to 3:33
porchlight halo grey haze
bad howling humming on the bus
bad pitch
The Lioness Songs: Ohia

Being in Love: But if you stick with me, you can help me.

beating the bus roof

guy in red shirt
"friend" lonely
translation to spanish

no more typing

I keep bringing pills I don't take

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2025/05/06 Tuesday

the road is shining wet in the morning light watch out for that pothole

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2025/05/05 Monday

recurring dreams about hitchhiking
thunder bouncehouse
goodweather

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2025/05/04 Sunday

the day's not over, it just started

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2025/05/02 Friday

sunshine of your love footsteps

pharmacist asked if I was [deadname]

"boy or girl I'll fuck you up"
"pretend you're calling a friend bitch"

driving a car wrecklessly with [sister] as passenger. roadtrip. vintage billboards.

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2025/05/01 Thursday

one of my socks was inside out on the dental chair

wiglike sneakers
like a pinned butterfly

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