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2025/07/14 Monday

"this is like a new form of love huh"

Maybe this sadness can be thought of as something in perigee / apogee.

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2025/07/13 Sunday

"I need another person to be near me." "To keep you out of trouble?"

fainting

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2025/07/12 Saturday

rosary digging into my back

hot fries

felt lonely so I slept until it got dark

accidentally ate half a muffin wrapper & felt like I was gonna barf

crying

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2025/07/11 Friday

magna cum laude

warm sink water

old man almost hit me in grocerystore parkinglot
almost drove my car off the road, half on half off near the crashedinto guardrail

vicious sun

bed roach
burst blister
"sorrow hath fettered me"

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2025/07/10 Thursday

i can write again

owl spotting

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2025/07/09 Wednesday

something is telling me it's time to grow legs

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2025/07/06 Sunday

Slept in until 1PM. I've decided to postpone killing myself until I can see the ocean again, so August~September at least. Then I'll try to put it off until Christmas.

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2025/07/05 Saturday

The worst day of 2025.

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2025/07/04 Friday

in my dream I said Even in my dreams I'm still just sad

walking in the rain all day

fireworks & a mother hit her son

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2025/07/03 Thursday

disorienting like exiting a movie theatre

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2025/07/02 Wednesday

lost control of the car, like a grey oil painting

threw away my razors

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2025/07/01 Tuesday

"every time we talk it misses"

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2025/06/30 Monday

“For to him that is joined to all the living there is hope: for a living dog is better than a dead lion. For the living know that they shall die: but the dead know not anything, neither have they any more a reward; for the memory of them is forgotten. Also their love, and their hatred, and their envy, is now perished; neither have they any more a portion forever in anything that is done under the sun.”

I am awake for my life's surgery

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2025/06/27 Friday

[redacted]

homework better than laying in bed

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2025/06/26 Thursday

x-ed out

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2025/06/25 Wednesday

stridulation

I laid in bed so long it was December again & I tried to tell myself I'd go to hell for it, but I think hell is empty

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2025/06/24 Tuesday

the pigeon stays crushed

"footpuppies" (instead of pawprints)

different waiting rooms

another train suicide

kepler 22b

shower

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2025/06/23 Monday

crushed pigeon

at work in a bloodstained shirt

highfives for boys

my period

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2025/06/22 Sunday

somehow I have become someone who keeps commitments to myself

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2025/06/21 Saturday

I missed the solstice

I peeled up my mattress & beneath found an assortment of trash & candywrappers: roach food.

I can't think of anything I want to do less. or do more. it's all the same.

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2025/06/20 Friday

thin & crumpled

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2025/06/19 Thursday

i need somethings fingers to poke through the cage around my heart

incredibly sad & lonely

I did not buy beer.

my bus stop absence has been noticed

carousel

useless wikipedia articles such as highest bridges

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2025/06/18 Wednesday

called in sick to work

sex on floor, crying for a dead child, fly covered Virgin Mary in Number 2 Pencil

every time I drive I run over at least one curb

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2025/06/17 Tuesday

unforgiving blue

animals that are not actually animals but are recaptcha blurred traffic lights of shadow

I called my grandpa. he sounded so sad on the phone. he sounded dying.

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2025/06/16 Monday

"I hope you feel better today." (not sick)

praying for your commute

12-18 months (I don't believe it)
I should at least outlive my grandpa

I want to kill myself.

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2025/06/15 Sunday

I've been wearing the same clothes since Thursday

the cars driving over puddles sound like they're breaking something.

"I knew things were bad when you were reading the Bible."

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2025/06/13 Friday

joan of arc : hound

And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten.

to walk in pointless circles

car thoughts & rolled my ankle

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2025/06/12 Thursday

3 white waterbirds

rusted dissolved sandbag church

recognized parkinglots

SOS only

idiotsuicide trainsigns; a train lives here

roach outside wall

let me fail just a little while longer

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2025/06/11 Wednesday

I wonder how much longer I can miss sleep without consequences

telling time by wednesday injection instead of sunday church.

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2025/06/10 Tuesday

I prayed my rosary last night. the first time in a long time.

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2025/06/09 Monday

shattered sleep
lightning storm, dream & confusion
black fawn & lambs pararding down the street
a long time to fall asleep. something read about sickness.

For the Widows in Paradise

the stops speed toward my discontent, slow toward my escape
spacing

bugcrawling tattoo

beautiful amoeba filled sky

found my prayer bracelet

Our Father voice

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2025/06/08 Sunday

riding a horse or a bull

i am not someone who can stay still easily

mutation in faith HRT

deathavoidance phonecall

pity inducing

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2025/06/07 Saturday

shapes
stomach pain
illness fear

I hate that I think of Guy Fieri's cock all the time now.

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2025/06/06 Friday

cinderella & dog running up & down hills in the long grass, forever bone pills

everything is vibrant & ugly

ants crawling

"futile & brutal intervention"

wanting to be held & pet, calm

backtoearth, sober

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2025/06/05 Thursday

looney toons pigeons flying away

walking against the sun & traffic

like shooting my soul in the head

son buddy dude

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2025/06/04 Wednesday

first testosterone injection

slept 3 hours

a school found in the nest of powerlines beside the highway

weirdly lucid

my lonelines last night being observed like a dumb bug in the glass

waiting in the crowd of people who have also been forgotten by their loved ones

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2025/06/03 Tuesday

slept 12 hours, home all day
didn't want work so I called in sick

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2025/06/02 Monday

slept 3 hours

roach in laundry this morning
"I saw one fall from the vent..."

train crossing moving like redlight flowers
sunrise again
deer jumping alongside the train horn, velveted antlers
three deer beneath a graffitied overpass

say the truth so good it doesn't feel real

lunchboy: quieres desayuno ? : "you're the one I saw hopping around"

church dungeon flower hunting shepherding with Ivy (8hr shift)

bugs are horrible today; flinching squirming hitting skin

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2025/06/01 Sunday

noise from the attic that was heard

the closer I get, the less patient I am

waking up in heartbounding flight

ramune halo

"minecraft just chirped happily in completion of its existence ie it is downloaded"

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2025/05/31 Saturday

the gentle touch of a real bug

laying really still on my stomach & feeling my insides moving & eyes on the outside

words for writing: heroic dose; salvage therapy

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2025/05/30 Friday

Testosterone! Carrie & Lowell 10th Anniversary Edition! Afterlife!

being the worst thing: an ugly woman

porno trope (overstimulation)

like a bugfilled star

yelling in my dreams
no narrative structure

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2025/05/29 Thursday

talking in my dreams & people surround

naming feelings observing them like shapes

being electrocuted by thoughts

bus of people happy & talking

strewn branches

a person with "a lesser ontological weight"

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2025/05/28 Wednesday

mountain dream

beautiful perfect morning in rain

blessed skippy

“You are defective. You are in the wrong place. You have become the wrong thing.”

[You’re becoming the wrong thing.]

forgetting like driving a car

lightning moving tree from window then in window then out then fogged glass

being watched
crawling under a blanket to clothes like a naked embarrassed ashamed bug

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2025/05/27 Tuesday

everything feels like it's talking to me:
meanings everything !

rorschach test bugs pattern blocks

beautiful little sky amoebas like washed glass

one kid turns seven another is put into a groundbox

my head is full of straw

opposite of a brain eating amoeba

I should get a boyfriend

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2025/05/26 Monday

dream about kissing _, tongue in mouth, trying to enjoy it & choking
(i remembered she had the same name as my mom & I always liked her less for it)

bug on hand that I could not tell was real or not real

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2025/05/25 Sunday

walking in the dark in a circle holding a birthday cake. frosting on my hands

I don't feel like a person.

somehow, I can still manage to read. Things I'm excited to read:
Kafka on the Shore
The Flowers of Buffoonery
Weasels in the Attic
The Story of a Soul
Rabbit, Run

how was your baptism ?

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2025/05/24 Saturday

rosary around my legs again

a bad dream about _ (rubbing me)
bad heart

my period started

there is a bloodstain on this from my period: it's not yours; it's mine (arguing over my towel)

email that made me cry

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2025/05/23 Friday

rosary large like a snake around my legs

2222 (Ivy)

hard to recall like dreams

body parts layered on top of each other in a pile but not a body
an arm, a leg, a torso, but not together

my body feels like it's in a lot of pieces & that i am not inside of it

i will limpthrough the fake & through the real as best I can

a stop sign was staring at me

bugscared

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2025/05/22 Thursday

broken prayer bracelet & crying

my bus hit a pigeon

"gray and softly wet"
kids grabbing dead fish
mocking

grim same time consonance

tic every walk back
my scaffolding gone; they removed it

meat clouds
At home I went on a walk & the sky above looked strange, like flesh, like I had been swallowed up by something bad.

another dead bird filled with flies
dead feather day
black letter day

lighting skrile

pena- pain, feathers, shame

there are roaches living in our bread box

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2025/05/21 Wednesday

Writing about clothes on my birthday last year, I said: Most of the clothes are navy blue. That’s a color that I’ve been wearing a lot this year. I told Ivy that we can call this time in my life “[Michael’s] blue period.” I had to laugh. I don’t change, do I? When I told Ivy, she called this “One Big Blue Year”.

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2025/05/20 Tuesday

bad dreams all night; I think it was rape, a woman throwing things at me, & being hit

out of Coke vending machine

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2025/05/19 Monday

hearing drums at recess
bugs
raining inside the bus

it sounds like you're either a poet or a butcher
distal
my face looks like a weird stone

I saw a picture of my dad & thought I miss my dad. he's alive. he's in the other room.

bird opening its mouth to my shadow

sister is home which means: sister banging on my door asking for a Hostess Cupcake while I have a fucking dildo inside of me

we have a worsening roach infestation, but it's definitely real and not hallucinatory (sister sees it too)

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2025/05/18 Sunday

lone crow
telephone wires
everything moving in wind
long grass

tiger butterfly that I recognized from Animal Crossing (eastern tiger swallowtail)

can you recommend a book for an idiot who has no free time or attention span? — are you giving my books to somebody? — no, I meant myself.
She gave me The Flowers of Buffonery by Dazai, but I wanted The Setting Sun.

lonely

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2025/05/17 Saturday

ran over a curb & almost hit another car (separate parking lots)

I feel self-contained like a shaken soda bottle

light on a clingwrap river

taking off my headphones and hearing the trainloudness

i feel sadness heavy & physical

I am wasting my life

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2025/05/16 Friday

bad dreams
bleeding in the closet
crying in sand dunes
forgetting names; being forgotten
wrong bus

cricket (?) in my coffee
real or not real ants

hot plastic dollhouse
less & less people, just birds

poison
empty restuarant
soggy food
my dad will die one day

lightning storm

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2025/05/15 Thursday

bad dreams

embalming

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2025/05/14 Wednesday

overwhelming grey

my birthday is next week. I didn't know until someone mentioned it

fogged bus doors
train bridge through fogged glass

saw an almost car crash then almost got hit by a car again. slammed breaks

man staring at me from the seat next to me

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2025/05/13 Tuesday

no more fluorescent light displays; I want to see things in the light

man on the bus is staring at me, but he's not looking at me

pigeon time again

cross the sea & blessing

word today was "real"

trust in God shirt
psalm 31:5

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2025/05/12 Monday

filled the pothole
empty buses

God got me. My peace. My joy

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2025/05/11 Sunday

plane dream

7:30 pm commute crying dream

rolling grass hills & deer, swaying grass

coming home to _

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2025/05/10 Saturday

church dream (catholic baptism)
transgender dream
spelling practice

i woke up at 7:45 but kept falling back asleep until 9:15 because I didn't want to be awake

accidentally prayed "love Jesus Christ" instead of "Lord Jesus Christ"

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2025/05/08 Thursday

train on bridge
missed stop
bad smelling shirt

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2025/05/07 Wednesday

in proximity to 3:33
porchlight halo grey haze
bad howling humming on the bus
bad pitch
The Lioness Songs: Ohia

Being in Love: But if you stick with me, you can help me.

beating the bus roof

guy in red shirt
"friend" lonely
translation to spanish

no more typing

I keep bringing pills I don't take

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2025/05/06 Tuesday

the road is shining wet in the morning light watch out for that pothole

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2025/05/05 Monday

recurring dreams about hitchhiking
thunder bouncehouse
goodweather

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2025/05/04 Sunday

the day's not over, it just started

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2025/05/02 Friday

sunshine of your love footsteps

pharmacist asked if I was [deadname]

"boy or girl I'll fuck you up"
"pretend you're calling a friend bitch"

driving a car wrecklessly with [sister] as passenger. roadtrip. vintage billboards.

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2025/05/01 Thursday

one of my socks was inside out on the dental chair

wiglike sneakers
like a pinned butterfly

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