2025/07/23 Wednesday
I said I was lonely.
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Remembered a dream from this past week about a beautiful-colorful bird. A kind of Fruit-Dove.
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2025/07/21 Monday
Ivy yelled at me.
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2025/07/20 Sunday
At my mother's house, but she was nowhere to be found. Sitting on the couch beside my father, his palms badly burned & bandaged. He's looking over my shoulder as I type on my computer. I'm looking at someone's home videos through a digital camera, uninterested. My dog's paws are burned, all four of them, and she's limping on bandaged footpuppies. My sister's hands are burned, her fingers, and we're standing in our mother's kitchen. The house is as filthy as it was in childhood, before the carpets were pulled out, dry catvomit caked into everything. The orange color of their food. My sister's doing the dishes, her fingers red & swollen, & I'm telling her let me do that, your hands are burned.
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2025/07/18 Friday
I was being kept in a cage with a nude woman. I think I was also naked. I had the vague impression the man keeping us in the cage wanted to kill us, but had no anxiety about it. The cage was carpeted, our knees in the carpet. I took a lit cigarette in my mouth & tried to burn the carpet. I think my hands were bound. The man was upset with me & put the cigarette out on me. I liked it & asked him to do it again. He did. He started yelling at me & I asked him to pull my hair while he did it. He was seated on one of those metal folding chairs, in a suit, with his legs apart. I was on my knees in front of him & he started pulling on my hair. I tried to name the elements of the periodic table in alphabetical order & with every mistake he berated me & called me stupid. He threw a drink at me. I was standing, facing away from him, waiting for him to hit me across the back. Woke up in the anticipation of it, still trying to name the elements.
Was getting fucked doggy style while giving another guy head.
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2025/07/17 Thursday
"The world is just noise; it isn't a picture." Woke up from a bad dream & Ivy talked me back to sleep. Virgin Mary.
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2025/07/16 Wednesday
I was talking with God, but I couldn't remember what we had talked about when I woke up, just that it had happened.
Grandpa sick in bed, bald from the chemo.
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2025/07/15 Tuesday
My dad threatening to hit me. He said it was so Michael could be safe.
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2025/07/12 Saturday
Ivy with the same short length of hair she had in November/December, our last videocall, but a dark blue. She was wearing oldlady's church clothes.
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2025/07/11 Friday
I was in a dirty bathroom that was emptied out except for the tiles which remained, playing soccer. I kept missing & was being made fun of for it, not maliciously, but the people talking to me, mostly young boys, were exasperated by how bad I was. I looked down to my feet & didn't understand how I was kicking the ball wrong. I pointed to the inner part of the foot: This part of my foot right? I kick with this part? I used to play soccer, I know this. The boys took painter's tape & marked a square of tiles for me to kick the ball into. Missed over & over again, embarrassed.
Teaching dream. Coloring & it started to pour rain onto me & my ink.
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2025/07/10 Thursday
The color of my shoes was washed away, the front half of them completely white.
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2025/07/09 Wednesday
Aquarium
On the phone with Ivy in a testing center, at my keyboard, proctor aproaching. I have to go. No, I'm taking a test right now. I have to go. Yeah, I have to go right now. It's not a good time. They're gonna think I'm cheating.
I was bugging the Manager at PreviousFastFoodEmployer to give me a job, in Oregon, discussing the minimum wage. I've worked here before, I know what to do. The Manager was dressed in a founding father's outfit, a costume. Even in my dream I thought it was strange. The FastFoodEmployer was beneath a highway.
Dream about tossing & turning in bed. Couldn't sleep. Woke up confused from my nap, surprised I had actually managed to sleep.
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2025/07/08 Tuesday
Bad dreams all night, waking up all night then plunged back into it; suicide dreams.
Train tracks & sheet metal
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2025/07/07 Monday
Raped
Falsely accused of murder
Tried to describe God to God
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2025/07/06 Sunday
I decided to kill myself
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2025/07/05 Saturday
I was visiting one of my penpals & he looked like a woman, was a woman. We were on the train, but sitting away from each other. I followed him to class & complained that I was missing my passport. He didn't seem to want me there at all.
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2025/07/04 Friday
A man said I was dressed as a pastor, pastor in Portuguese, so I thought he meant shepherd, though looking down at myself, I was wearing a priest's frock & collar. He pissed himself in front of me & I watched his pants suddenly but slowly become dark. Woke up horny.
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