Noise cancelling headphones. Okurimono by Hyakkei. Carrie & Lowell by Sufjan Stevens. Writing things down. Walking around. Keeping a steady pace. Pacing. Taking a bath. Taking a bath that's so hot it turns my skin bright red. Wearing the same thing over & over till I have to wash it again. Washing it again & putting it back on. Wearing my two favorite sweatshirts: The red one & the navy blue one. My Snoopy T-Shirt. Kitchen by Banana Yoshimoto. Reading poetry. Cooking food for myself. Cooking food for others. Eating sweets. Drinking sweets. Coffee & chocolate milk & cake. Going to the movie theatre. Watching a movie that will make me cry. Listening to the same song on a loop. Hiding. Writing things that I don't show anyone. Saying that I'm going to bed early & staying up late. Having a clean room. Making sure my bed is made. Watching the flame of a candle. Praying on on another's behalf, never my own. Going to H-Mart. Going to H-Mart with E. Udon, even if it's from the food court. Soba. Miso soup. Eggs. Clouds in the sky. Rain in the sky. A breeze. A cool breeze. I'm a creature that can thrive in any weather. Doing what I need to do. Being able to say that I am taking care of myself. Being able to say that I'm treating myself well. Walking to the bus. Taking the bus. Getting a snack from the convenience store. Seeing birds. Seeing rabbits. Seeing deer. Doing what I say I'm going to do. Being able to look back at myself from a high place, even if it's the same place, just higher up, from a different angle. Brushing my teeth & not gagging. Remembering my dreams & finding meaning in them. The fact that tomorrow will be different. When I recognize that when nothing is left, I still have the capacity for hope & for change. Turning things off for a while. Turning them back on again. Even if I wanted it to, nothing can stay the same.

The fact that even though I am thoroughly miserable I can still write things like this.